I have been, quite possibly, the world’s most neglectful blogger lately. It seems that I’m easily distracted these days. What gives? I dunno. However, I have decided to stay late at work tonight for the sole purpose of getting something published here on the bliggity-blog because I know if I wait until I get home, I’ll be distracted once again and it just won’t happen.
I’m pleased to announce that I have read my first of oh-so-very-many Sweet Valley High novels – which was actually THE first Sweet Valley High novel. I still haven’t managed to fix the photo feature over here at RRW, so I will refer you instead over to the-hilariously-awesome-site-that-beat-me-to-the-SVH-punch, where you can read a funny recap of the book and also see, if you scroll down a bit, the cover. I’ve been racking my brain on how to talk about these books without copying from The Dairi Burger, and the only thing I can think of is to use my favorite poetic medium, the haiku. So, here goes.
Sweet Valley High, Book 1: Double Love
It’s no wonder that
I had unrealistic views
Of the world after
Reading this bullshit
Series so avidly. Jess
Is a bitch; Liz is
A doormat. The Sweet
Valleyans are moronic
Gossips. Jessica
Tries to steal Liz’s
Crush. Liz cries a lot. Jess jumps
Into a Porsche with
A cheeseball wanna-
Be date rapist who takes her
To a bar (gasp!). Cop
Takes her home. She lets
The cop believe she’s Eliz.
Much gossip ensues.
The whole school believes
This BS; not one soul stops
To think, hey, maybe
We’re gossiping ’bout
The wrong twin! MORONS. Jess goes
To the dance with Todd,
Liz’s crush. Dances
Sexily. Liz goes with a
Dork, because she’s nice
That way. Side stories
Abound, but they are even
More dull than the main
One. Cheesy dude Rick
“Talked the way he drove – fast and
Dangerously.” He
Also nicknames Jess
“Heaven.” Is anyone else
Here suppressing the
Urge to vomit? Jess
Claims Todd wouldn’t keep his hands
Off her. Liz: repulsed.
Rick tries to kidnap
The girls and take them to the
Evil bar. Todd saves
The day. Liz and Todd
Realize Jess’s lies. They kiss.
Liz is in love. Dumb,
Melodramatic
Language abounds. Oh, did I
Mention Liz irons
Her jeans? She does. And
She gets the school to once more
Confuse the twins with
Each other so that
Jessica gets thrown in the
Pool. The End. (And I
Will never get those
Two hours of my life back.)
Francine Pascal sucks.
I hope you enjoyed
This foray down Memory
Lane. Dare I read more?
