Red Red Whine

We hereby interrupt our regularly scheduled whining/wining with a post by a blogger who wishes to remain anonymous, as part of -R-‘s blog share.  I have posted a list of participating blogs below our anonymous guest’s story.  With no further ado…

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It is a pleasure to be coming to you today from Red Red Whine. Lara, you are a fine and gracious host. Seriously, I feel right at home here. Good lighting, comfy chairs… Could you top off my wine glass just a smidge? Thanks, dear. You’re the best.

Well then. Blog share. Semi-anonymous posting. Ah, the freedom of it all. I feel like Michael Scott deep in the Pennsylvania wilderness, ready to shout his secrets to the wind. Except instead of “Jan has plastic boooooobs!” or “I! Have! Hemorrhoids!!!” I will shout… um, I’m not sure, really.

I suppose the most obvious taboo in blogging is the work-related info–you know, the things we don’t write about out of fear that our boss will one day call us into his/her office and say, “So, our IT guy found this little web site of yours…” Those conversations rarely end well, and I’d really much prefer to remain a gainfully employed citizen of these United States. But, on Lara’s blog! On Lara’s blog, I can say anything! Or so the theory goes.

All right then. How about a brief list of things I would never admit to the people who direct deposit my paychecks?

*        On a good day, I do real and actual work for a mere six of the eight hours at my desk. On a good day. Even in an almost anonymous post, I don’t want to admit the number on bad or average days.

*        I am much more likely to pilfer office supplies for home use from the supply cabinet at work than to actually purchase them at Target for myself.

*        Last week, a coworker and I decided it would be fun to have a Martini Lunch. (Lou Grant did it; why can’t we?) We both came back to the office a little bit drunk for the afternoon.

*        Several years ago, I did a good deal of business travel in a six month or so period. I made out with at least three of our clients on those trips, as well as two or three other men I met in area bars. The one and only time I have ever held two naked penises at the same time was on a business trip. In a hotel room our client paid for. I am super professional, obviously. Not to mention classy and demure.

*         I have never had sex in our office. But I know of two people who have.

The thing is, in a small office, it’s pretty easy to pick up a bit of dirt. And I actually think that, if given the opportunity and desire, I could maybe blackmail my way out of trouble if necessary. How? Gather ’round and I’ll tell you a couple of stories…

Last year, my sister held a small gathering at her house, wherein I met the boyfriend of a friend of hers. We had one of those “it’s a small world” conversations… a “You know so-and-so? I know so-and-so, too!” kind of thing. Except instead of so-and-so being some old classmate or long-ago co-worker, that so-and-so was my boss. And my sister’s friend’s boyfriend’s sister (got that?) was the nanny for said boss’s children.

I’d heard rumors about my boss before, but they’d never been confirmed by anyone outside the walls of our tiny office. But here was a man I’d never met before, coming to me from a completely separate area of said boss’s life, confirming that YES, in fact, the rumors are true. My very Republican (and religious) boss and his wife did, in fact, proposition a local personal trainer they know for a threesome in their home.

I need to interrupt this story for a second to say that when I first signed up for -R-’s blog share, I said that perhaps she should pair me with someone who’s not averse to my posting about nakedness and swinging on their blog. -R- said that swinging is ALWAYS funny, and assured me it would be OK. Lara? Are you OK with this? I’m just going to assume so and proceed.

Every year, my boss goes on vacation–each year to the same resort. ON the record, that resort is Sandals. The OFF the record rumor around the office is that its somewhere completely different… a little place that perhaps you’ve heard of. It starts with “H” and ends with “edonism.”

A few years ago, a good friend and I went to the Caribbean islands, and during our stay, we decided to purchase a day pass to the “H”+”edonism” resort. We wanted to find out what goes on there–see for ourselves if it’s really as wicked as one might think. Also, I was trying to make sense of the rumors… Could I really see my boss vacationing in that place?

As it turns out, I definitely could. In fact, when I noticed that the pathways throughout the resort are lined with rocks painted with couples’ names and the years they’ve visited, I made it my mission to find my boss’s rock. Sadly, I didn’t see it. It would have been nice to have a bit a leverage should ever I need it, but alas, it was not meant to be. I’m only hoping I wasn’t photographed there during my stay and placed in a for-members’-perusal-only scrapbook of some sort. For all I know, my boss has seen my photo there, and we’re both in a “don’t ask; don’t tell” holding pattern.

During my brief stay, I realized that “H”+”edonism” is not the land of scantily clad sexy co-eds that one might think it is. In fact, it was so populated by tame, middle-aged executive types trying to prove they could act NOT their age that my friend and I (two squeaky-clean, goody-goody Midwestern girls) were actually invited to return on a free pass for the night. “You girls dance? You party?” asked the guy whose job title, on his name tag, mysteriously said “Entertainment.” “Um, yeah. We party,” we said hesitantly. We had no idea what was in store for us.

Few people come to “H”+”edonism” alone. For the most part, it’s middle-aged couples, plus a smattering of single men. Very few single women sign on for the week. For the few that do, the “Entertainment” guys are there to keep them company. I imagine their role is much like Johnny Castle’s. Dance with the guests. Show them a good time. Anything else is on the down-low. Apparently they don’t hire any female “entertainers,” though. No, instead, in exchange for our free pass, WE were supposed to be the entertainment for the night.

I’m anxious to say I didn’t provide much “entertainment.” I may have made out with a divorced British barrister, and we may have been naked at the time, but we were in a hot tub with approximately 27 other naked people, which I think makes it all somehow more OK. And it was during this time in the hot tub that my friend and I got a bit of insight into who comes to “H”+”edonism.”

We met a very nice Canadian couple who we chatted with for quite some time. During a large part of that time, the British barrister may have been sucking on parts of me generally left covered in public, but I somehow mostly ignored that at the time, so I’ll ignore it right now as well. We were curious what makes a couple come back to “H”+”edonism” every year, and how many of the rumors are true. Is it just about the naked beaches and the theme party evenings, or is there more going on as well?

So my always-direct friend outright asked them, “Do you guys swing?” and our new Canadian friends answered, as directly and casually as if we’d asked them if they like to ski or camp:

“Oh, we’ve tried it a few times,” they said. “It’s OK once in a while, I guess. But I don’t think it’s really our thing.”

They continued… “There’s a big group of swingers coming in tomorrow, though!”

“How do you know?” we asked. “Is it posted on the schedule or something?”

“No,” they replied. “There’s a sign!” They pointed to the balcony of a guest room up above. “Welcome Swingers,” it said.

Sadly, we didn’t stick around for their arrival. Our carriage turned into a pumpkin at 3 a.m., meaning we had to high tail it out of there before our night pass expired. My boss could probably tell me all about it, though.

Maybe I’ll save that for my next annual review. 

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Here is the complete list of participating blogs – one of which is hosting my anonymous post today, too.  

Alyndabear
And You Know What Else
Bright Yellow World
Confessions of a Novice
Everything I Like Causes Cancer
Face Down
Liz Land
Muse On Vacation
Nabbalicious
Nancy Pearl Wannabe
Not What You Think It Is
Operation Pink Herring
Red Red Whine
Reflections in the Snow-Covered Hills
Sass Attack
Stefanie Says
Thinking Some More

This entry was posted on Thursday, November 15th, 2007 at 10:48 am and is filed under Miscellany. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.